Sex Therapy: Your Questions Answered Part 1

I recently posted a Sex Therapy Questionnaire on my Facebook page and then shared the results with Richard Ashby, a sex therapist at Prairie Wellness Counseling Center. He offered some insights and answers to questions many people have about sexual challenges and concerns. We got a lot of questions! So here is Part 1 of our blog series Sex Therapy: Your Questions Answered.

How can I know if someone who calls themself a sex therapist is actually qualified to do sex therapy?

This is an important question! Anyone can call themselves a sex therapist, so it’s important to look into the therapist’s credentials. Sex therapists are certified through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). You can look at the requirements to become an AASECT-certified sex therapist on the AASECT website.

How would I get over feeling uncomfortable talking to someone other than my partner about sex?

This is a common concern, and this is where experience in building rapport comes in. It happens in all therapy appointments, but sex therapy centers around discussing sex, so I focus on setting the client’s mind at ease. 

How can a sex therapist grasp all of the nuances that would be unique to each person/couple and their sexual proclivities without either having a camera in the bedroom and/or being present during sex?

This is a common thought about other types of therapy, too. How can addiction therapists treat addiction if they’ve never struggled with Substance Abuse Disorder, or a trauma therapist treat trauma if they haven’t been through it? The answer is that we ask the clients to share their concerns in session, and training and experience help us know what questions to ask to get to the problem. 

How do we keep our sex life active even after two kids?

Communication and scheduling. There’s a common myth that sex needs to be spontaneous. It doesn’t—It sure is fun when it is, but it’s also a lot of fun when it’s planned for, anticipated, and you both have set it up so there are no interruptions (whether it’s sending the kids to a friend’s, getting a hotel and a sitter, or just planning a hooky day while the kids are in school).

I am in my late 30s. How can I increase my libido?

If you are experiencing a drop in your libido, hormones could be a factor, so talking to your doctor could be helpful. De-stressing is another way to help increase desire and, as sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski says, turning off the "offs" and listening more to the "ons.” Emily Negoski has some fantastic resources on women and desire including her book Come As You Are, her Netflix series The Principles of Pleasure, this video about how desire works, and her TED Talk on “The Keys to a Happy, Healthier Sex Life.”

I lost my sex drive after going through a rough patch in my marriage. Now we are working on our relationship, but I am just “over” the sex and don’t know how to be excited about it again.

Past conflict can still create substantial inhibitors which impact desire. This speaks to the crossover of sex therapy and couples to marriage and family therapy. Sometimes my role is to help couples resolve conflicts. Usually in sex therapy the goal is to resume a healthy sex life, and in family therapy, it may be more about improving the system as a whole. 

How can we keep things exciting after menopause?

Use lots of foreplay and lube. Otherwise, just enjoy being free of having to care for all those eggs! Sometimes the drop in sex hormones can create a drop in libido. Typically, most women’s hormones are returning to a pre-pubescent state which means they’re still available but at much lower levels. This drop is theorized to be a major factor in women’s natural longer life. It may be an evolutionary response to allow grandmothers to be available to aid in instructing the next generation. So, how to keep things sexy? If you have no or little drive, it could be worth asking your PCP or OB/GYN to check your hormone levels. The hormones may actually be too low. Be aware that many women do not respond to hormone treatment alone, though, and that there may be other concerns at play, such as body dysmorphia, internalized ageism, and simple anxiety due to painful experiences because of of vaginal dryness following menopause.

How can I get help for erectile dysfunction?

We see ads for performance-enhancing, magic blue pills, but we don’t talk about how the biggest aspect of sexual arousal for men and women is the brain. So if you’re not mentally safe, then you’re not likely to be aroused. A sex therapist can help you explore the root causes of ED, refer you to a medical doctor if needed, and identify psychological or emotional issues that could be contributing to erectile dysfunction. 

Am I normal?

In therapy, I give clients permission to talk about whatever questions they may have about what might be considered “normal,” but usually my answer is yes, just yes.

If you are interested in learning more about sex therapy, scheduling a consultation call, or making an appointment, please read our previous blog post on Sex Therapy 101, check out sex therapist’s Richard Ashby’s bio page, or give us a call at 913.214.1219.

Do you have any questions you would like to ask a sex therapist?  Fill out this anonymous questionnaire so we can add your data to our next article!